


held by the stars in the dark

by grinsekaetzchen



Series: a universe created by ourselves [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, F/F, Femslash, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Parallel Universes, slight angst, when Isak's a girl so is Even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 20:51:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8815849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grinsekaetzchen/pseuds/grinsekaetzchen
Summary: In another universe Isak is a girl dressed in too many layers and her dirty blonde hair keeps spilling out of her pony tail. 
In each universe, Isak and Even find each other.





	

 

 

> _I'm the astronaut_  
>  _I can easily be_  
>  _held by the stars in the dark_  
>  _clouds of any night_
> 
> _-_ _The Astronaut_ by The White Birch

 

In another universe Isak is a girl dressed in too many layers and her dirty blonde hair keeps spilling out of her pony tail. Her best friend is still Jonas and she still takes the same bus to school, argues with Sana about biology questions and goes home to find that Eskild has once again eaten all the food in the fridge.

She doesn’t talk to her mom (not really), she only really texts her dad when she needs money (“Soon, Eskild, I’ll pay the rent, I promise”) and she lies in bed googling whether only watching gay porn makes her gay. She hooks up with a guy from first year and the others tease her for it (“A first year, seriously?”), but she shrugs and reminds Magnus that at least she is getting some (she’s not, not really).

She still goes to Vilde’s group because Vilde asks her twice. Vilde wants her to bring the boys but they bail at the last minute. She leaves early before all the trust fall exercises because her skin is already too tight; she is not letting somebody else try to catch her. She roams about the school, hanging her head low and pulling her hood deep into her face.

She needs the bathroom (to disappear for a while), but then somebody else comes in, somebody tall and ridiculous who steals all the paper towels and later, when they sit on a bench outside, that somebody says her name is Evie. Looking anywhere but at her becomes impossible.

This is a universe where everything stays the same, where Isak still calls her mother crazy, desperate to let Evie know that she is safe, that Isak will not turn out like this, she will not. She refuses. This is a universe where Evie will leave in the middle of the night, buck-naked, and Isak will force the tears to stop after hours.

She still goes to save Evie back.

 

Somewhere just parallel to this one, a little more to the right maybe, there is another universe where Isak is a boy and Even is a boy and everything is different. Isak lives with his parents, only knows Eskild fleetingly because he knows Eva and Eva knows Noora and Eskild lives with Noora, but Isak doesn’t need to know him because he lives at home.

In this universe, Isak’s mother is still ill, still has days where she can’t decide what’s real and what’s not, but Isak is used to it. It still hurts, but at the end of the day he goes to sleep in his room, the one that’s always been his, and wakes up to his mother remembering once again.

Isak shares the crazy stories with Magnus, actually knows him because they met once when picking up medication for their mothers, and when it gets too much for either of them, they take the bus somewhere a little quieter; until home is home once again and free of the demons their mothers sometimes set free.

Isak meets Even at the group event and is drawn to him immediately. They sit on a bench and Isak learns his name, while ignoring Emma. They go swimming in the middle of the night and Isak looks at Even, really looks at him, and decides that maybe he has to be careful. He guards his heart, just a little, just out of reflex, and when Even becomes more and more hyper for a week and checks them into a suite, Isak sighs. He closes his eyes, lets Even tuck his nose against his neck and whispers, “Are you alright?”

Even freezes in Isak’s hold, but Isak keeps drawing patterns on his back and later, much later, Even will insist they go to McDonald’s in the middle of the night. Isak barely has time to tell him to at least put some clothes on, before Even takes him on an adventure into the heart of the city.

Isak is there when Even crashes, when he can’t keep his eyes open any longer and time seems to move more slowly for him.

He tells Magnus of their adventure when Even’s asleep next to him. Magnus texts back “sick” and Isak smiles. It really is.

 

Somewhere else, Isak doesn’t meet Even in school. Instead, he meets Emma and only Emma. He kisses her, looking around the room where the party is being held at, at the people swaying to the music, and closes his eyes, determined to enjoy this.

He goes out with Emma until he breaks up with her for a reason he makes up on the spot. The real one is that he simply doesn’t want to sleep with her. Better to end it before she is going to ask what the problem is. He hooks up with other girls, never the same twice, and once Jonas asks him how flirting comes so easy to him. Isak shrugs. He doesn’t say it’s easier when you don’t care.

Isak’s locker is stuck for the remaining school years.

He enters university with a racing heart and clammy palms. Somehow, he thought everything would change as soon as he was out of school. It doesn’t. Or, at least, it doesn’t at first. But then he meets a tall boy who makes him look up and who steals his snapback at a party.

He gives it back the next morning in class where Isak is half-asleep on his desk. “You forgot this,” he says and Isak is awake. They meet again at the bus stop later that same day and Isak can’t stop thinking about him. Something inside him is breaking free, bursting open at the seams and he is so scared that his hands won’t stop shaking.

Their first kiss is in the university pool and Isak is still scared shitless, but his hands are securely around Even’s neck.

 

In yet another universe, Isak tells Jonas that he’s gay when he’s five and they’re watching a cartoon. He doesn’t know the word yet, but he says “I want to kiss him”, pointing at a character on the TV and Jonas shrugs and says, “Okay.”

In this universe, Isak lives with his mother. His father left, but Isak stayed with his mother and on good days, it’s the two of them against the world. On bad days, it’s Isak against the rest of the world. He loves his mom, even though, he sometimes wants to scream at her to stop doing this to him. It’s worth it to stay, though.

He meets Even on a bad day, when his mother hasn’t left the bed in two days and he is so tired that he thinks he might cry. He sits down on a bench in front of the pharmacy that didn’t have his mother’s meds and puts his head in his hands. Bone-deep exhaustion is settling somewhere in the pit of his stomach, in his arms and legs, and looking up when somebody else is sitting down next to him is too much of an effort.

“Do you want some?”, a guy’s voice asks. When Isak does look up, he’s met with an outstretched hand holding a packet of gummy bears. Isak laughs wetly. “Yeah, thanks man.”

They eat gummy bears in silence, until Isak can breathe normally again. He notices that the guy next to him is going through his own bag, taking out two bottles of medication that Isak recognises.

“Of course,” Isak murmurs, closing his eyes tightly again.

“What?”, the guy asks.

“I’m surrounded by mentally ill people.” He opens his eyes. The guy’s face has closed down, his wide eyes narrowed and he starts packing away his stuff. “Fuck, sorry,” Isak hastens to say. “I didn’t mean it like that – well, kinda, but not like bad – it’s just, it’s been a long week and I’m tired and I don’t know what I’m saying any longer.” The guy looks at him, still apprehensive, so Isak stretches out his hand and says, “Let’s start again, okay? Hi. I’m Isak and I’m an idiot.”

The guy eyes Isak’s hand before taking it, smiling slightly. “Hi, Isak the idiot. I’m Even.”

 

Lightyears away or maybe just minutes, Isak and Even are lying on pink grass trading secrets.

“When I was little I thought the stars just turned off their lights when day came,” Even whispers, his eyes on the sky above them.

“I once mistook stars for airplanes,” Isak shares, only looking at Even. Even has his hands folded underneath his head, the hood of his sweater bunched up, and he tracks the stars with his eyes. Isak is lying on his side, one arm underneath his own head, the other on Even’s chest.

Even laughs, turning his head to meet Isak’s gaze. “You’re such a city boy.”

“ _You’re_ the one from the city.”

“Still, I’m the one who knows what stars look like.”

Isak rolls his eyes, cuddling closer to Even. For a while, it’s quiet. The only sound is their breathing and the soft rustling of the grass when a breeze washes through. “Tell me another secret,” Isak whispers into the silence.

“Another secret?”, Even teases. “How about: I love you.” He looks at Isak, a small smile on his lips; as if his heart was caught between his teeth.

“That’s not a secret,” Isak answers with more boldness than he feels. Everything is warm, the grass tickles his nose, but the only thing he can think of is that Even loves him. It makes the stars dim in comparison.

“No?” Even’s eyes are sparkling.

“No. But I’ll tell you one as well. I love you too.” He pushes himself up on his elbow, kissing Even’s nose, his cheeks, his chin, until Even is laughing and pulling him towards him. “Your real secret is that you’re a lousy kisser,” Even mutters against his lips, so Isak kisses him, breathes him in and doesn’t ever let him go.

 

Isobel doesn’t wear layers, instead she wears short skirts or skinny jeans and crop tops. She paints her lips a dark red when she goes out and she leaves them nude when she sleeps over at Eva’s. Eva who she picks up along the way when Eva is dating Jonas and her old friends shun her. Eva who holds Isobel’s hair out of her face as she’s hanging over a toilet after another party.

At some point, they become a group: there’s Vilde, who tells Isobel it’s okay if she’s gay long before Isobel admits this to herself; Sana, who screams at the first year who outs Isobel to the whole school until she apologises to Isobel herself; Chris, who Isobel goes to when she needs cheering up; Noora, who gives the best advice; and Eva, who is always there.

The girls laugh when Isobel tells them about Evie (which is a day after she meets Evie). Partly, because her name’s so similar to Eva’s, but mostly because they can finally talk about Isobel’s love life as well. Their group chat is on fire after that.

Evie meets her friends after she tells Isobel (late one night, in bed, darkness settling over them like a blanket) about her illness. Isobel has no idea what she’s in for, has no idea what this entails but she is sure that she wants to try. In this universe, no one in her family is sick.

Eva greets Evie, saying, “So, you’re the one who stole my name?”

Evie grins at her and says, “That would be me.”

It only takes minutes before they all decide that they adore Evie and Isobel is so happy that she is sure everyone around her must feel it.

 

Isak’s known Even since he’s been a child, since they’ve shared their toys in a sandbox.

He knows the way Even likes his cereal in the morning, that he prefers scrambled eggs on weekends, that he likes pop music and refuses to call it his guilty pleasure because “There is no part of me that feels guilty about liking it, Isak”. He knows that Even can put on the most random collection of clothes and still make it work, that he loves dogs, that he has an alarm set for his medication and that he sometimes won’t get out of bed.

Isak is there when Even is diagnosed and he is there when Even repeats a year because he’s missed so much school. Isak is there through the revelation that Even doesn’t care whether he’s kissing girls or boys and he’s there when Even meets Sonja and falls in love with her. He is there when Even lies on a spare mattress on Isak’s bedroom floor and gushes about Sonja.

And his heart is breaking. One piece at a time. Ramming its jagged edges into Isak’s ribcage, into the soft flesh holding it in.

He goes out without Even when it gets to be too much. He goes to a party from another school where he knows nobody in the hopes of finding somebody, anybody else. He only ends up in the bathroom, puking his guts out and telling a random guy who’s sitting in the tub that he’s in love with his best friend and that it _hurts_. It hurts so bad.

The guy in the tub (he has the eyebrows of one of those actors from that one show about teenagers who are werewolves, the one show that Even watches instead of getting high because in his words “The show makes about as much sense as you do when you’re high” – as if Isak smokes knowing Even shouldn’t) only says, “Dude, just tell him.”

“He’s going to hate me,” Isak slurs, sitting down against the toilet. His head hurts.

The guy shrugs. “Doubt it. You’ve been friends forever. Tell him. He can’t really do anything otherwise, you know?”

Isak doesn’t go home that night, instead he calls Even and tells him to come pick him up, please. Even arrives, Isak gets into the car and closes his eyes. “You’re a fucking idiot, Isak,” Even says and his voice sounds soft and kind and Isak can’t bear it any longer.

“I really am,” he croaks.

“What?”

“I am a fucking idiot. I mean who goes and falls in love with their best friend when he has a girlfriend? A girlfriend. That is just so stupid but I, I’ve tried to stop it, I swear, I tried to look at you differently and every time I think ‘yeah, now I’m over you’, you do something stupid like fucking getting me from a party because I’m drunk,” Isak rants. He doesn’t open his eyes. He doesn’t want to see Even.

“Shouldn’t I have picked you up?”, Even asks and at this Isak opens his eyes incredulously. “I pour out my heart and that’s what you focus on?”

Even’s eyes flick to him, before looking back at the road. “You’re in love with me,” he says silently.

“Yeah,” Isak croaks and then, “Say something. Please.”

“I broke up with Sonja,” Even offers.

“What?”

Even shrugs. “Two weeks ago.”

“You didn’t tell me?!”

“Couldn’t really tell you that I broke up with her because I have feelings for you, right?”

Isak is speechless, but a slow smile starts tugging at his lips. He breathes out and the night is young and theirs to explore and maybe, maybe they will get this right.

 

There’s a universe where the world has ended. There’s nothing familiar in this one. No schools to go to or parties to meet at. There’s only destruction and chaos and somewhere in-between people who are trying their hardest to build something back up again.

It’s a tiny world, this universe, tiny and it keeps losing people, keeps shrinking, but somewhere at a newly found spring, Isak picks up a stranger with a hollow look in his eyes. He doesn’t talk much the first few days, Isak only learns that his name is Even, but later (after sleep and food and the comfort the few people living in this tiny village can offer) he becomes alive again.

They fall in love slowly. There’s no hurry. Not when the worst thing has already happened. They fall into bed and they only get up when the other villagers nearly run down their door. “We thought you'd died,” they say when Isak opens the door for them.

“We didn’t,” is all he answers and they nod.

It’s a good enough answer.

 

“Kiss me,” Isak grins in another universe, holding Even’s face in his hands and tugging him down to meet his lips. They’re in front of the school, people milling about and waiting for their next classes, but Isak couldn’t care less.

He can feel a few eyes on him, but he ignores them when Even leans down to kiss him softly. Isak tries to deepen the kiss because he’s a teenager for God’s sake and he’s happy. “Your friends might not appreciate a show as much as I would,” Even smiles against Isak’s lips, giving him a quick peck before putting more distance between them. He still keeps holding Isak’s hand, though.

“Hi,” Jonas greets, but before Isak can reply to it, Magnus buts in, “Guys, seriously, whenever you kiss it’s like everyone is presented with the fact that they will never be as cute as you two. It’s not fair.”

Even laughs delighted, while Isak just facepalms. He can feel his cheeks turning red. “Sorry, should we tone it down?”, Even grins, not looking as though he is planning to do anything of the sort.

“What? No! It’s awesome. It’s just also not fair,” Magnus sighs.

“We need to get you a girlfriend,” Mahdi says, clapping a hand on Magnus' back.

Isak keeps holding Even’s hand while they plot how to get Magnus together with someone. Even’s thumb is stroking over Isak’s hand. Isak has to bite his lip to keep from smiling like a maniac.

 

Not far from this universe, there’s one where Isak says that he doesn’t want mentally ill people around him and loses Even for a time. He only knows that Even sends him a text, saying this is all going too fast, and then Even ignores him for the rest of the school year.

Isak breaks and breaks and breaks, until it stops hurting just so much at some point and he can breathe a little easier again. Sometime in his last year (Even graduated and Isak has no idea where he is right now, but it’s all fine) he hears rumours about Even that he had been sick. Someone throws the word psychopath around, but no one really cares that much because Even is no longer a student. No one, except Isak.

Isak walks to class and suddenly remembers a conversation from nearly two years ago where he had said that he didn’t want mentally ill people in his life. He drops his books and Jonas asks him if everything’s alright. Isak takes a deep breath, shrugs and says, “It’s fine.” He swears that he will apologise to Even should he ever meet him again, regardless of whether the rumours are true or not.

He goes to uni, makes new friends, sleeps with guys he barely knows, even has a short-lived relationship and works at a café close to uni.

On one afternoon, when he’s manning the counter alone because his colleague is on her break, he looks up to find Even standing in front of him. Even seems as surprised as Isak as he says, “Hi.”

They get coffee (at a different shop because Isak doesn’t want his colleagues gossiping) once Isak’s shift’s over. They talk about uni and it’s as if no time has passed. Something keeps nagging Isak in the back of his mind, though, so he stops Even’s word flow at some point and says, “Sorry, I just – I just want to say sorry for what I’ve said then.”

Even raises his eyebrows before understanding colours his face. “Oh. You mean that thing about mentally ill people?”

“Yeah.” Isak stares at the cup in front of him. “That was. Shit, first of all. But also not true. Never was. So, I'm sorry.”

Even looks at him for a while. “Okay,” he says ultimately. “Wanna grab something to eat?”

Isak smiles at him. “I’d love to.”

 

No matter the universe, no matter the time, no matter the place, they find each other. Sometimes Isak just has to open his eyes to see Even in front of him. Sometimes he holds onto him tightly to make sure that he stays. Sometimes he loses him for a while, makes the wrong move and falls off the cliff, just to always land on his feet somehow and meet up with Even later in life. Sometimes Even turns up and finds Isak in return.

Isak is a boy, a girl, something in-between, neither, has a mother who’s sick, a father who’s left, a mother who’s healthy, who stays, a father who’s alone, who’s there, a brother, no siblings, lives alone, lives with others, resents his mother, loves her dearly, is afraid, feels like flying, can barely walk and always, always meets Even.

Somewhere, Isak closes a door just to open it again in a different place.

 

“You’re not alone,” Isak whispers in this universe, hugging Even close to him and feeling Even’s arms snake around his back. Their grip is so tight, it nearly hurts.

He can finally breathe again.

 

In infinite time, he meets Even and meets Even and meets Even.

And in each universe, they save each other.

**Author's Note:**

> With all this talk of parallel universes in the show, I had to write something about them. If I should tag anything more clearly, let me know!
> 
> Come scream with me about Skam on my tumblr http://hotchocolatenthusiast.tumblr.com/.


End file.
